Socially Unemployable

We all know them. They fill up our social feeds with the awesome time they had last night, talk about how great it is to not get up until noon at earliest. They post pictures of their Xbox GamrTags and those funny things most of us can only refer to as Mee-Mees. In the end, they ask why they’re not employed, and they ask it across all of the social media sites they are on. In general, these friends/follows/instagramers/gamers we know, fall roughly into the same categories and are unemployed for these exact social media reasons. As following:

1. The Juicer/Socialite

How could he possibly be sending out his resume if he needs to get pumped to go out later? Which means right now he needs to go to the gym and he wants to make sure you know about it. On his way over to the gym, he will post a facebook status. Then, he will ask for a retweet from everyone who is also currently driving and tweeting on their way to a gym. Once in the gym, he will post a picture of his protein shake on instagram. Just so you don’t forget that he’s been working out this past week (and how could you, ever), he will also post several pictures that he took of himself looking into a mirror.

Why Unemployed: Because he liked his prospective employer’s company page, which the head of HR checks regularly to see the profiles of those who have sent in their resumes. Upon further clicking, the HR coordinator found a bunch of half-naked pictures of Juicehead (how else are people going to see his killer abs?). And with interests including, pumping iron and kicking a$# who could resist hiring Juicehead? Everyone, that’s who.

Recommendations: All Juicehead has to do, besides make his profile private, is diversify. Include other interests, Like pages that relate to the job skills you claim to have on his resume. The best advice I can offer? Remove the pictures of yourself in the mirror with the flash reflecting back into the camera. Not only is that very “Myspace” and five years ago, it is also very tacky. More importantly, it won’t get anyone the kind of attention they deserve: girls will only be interested in the picture, not the man and companies could care less about the picture, so they won’t be interested at all.

2. The Cat/Dog/Cartoon or Video Game character

While Mr. Whiskers does make for the most adorable model laying there on your windowsill, Whiskers in not looking for a job. Neither is Spots and, frankly, Mario already has one—he’s in the business of princess rescuing. While I completely understand the need to keep yourself protected online and camera shyness makes the best of us, try to avoid it if you are looking for a job currently.

Why Unemployed: Because while an employer does get a glimpse of your personality (it seems like you might be a dog person) the information you’re willing to put out is not valuable to any employer. In addition, it makes it seem like you are trying to hide something. I’m not saying good employers should make assumptions about your work ethic based on your being attractive/unattractive—they should never. However, who are you more likely to want to speak to? Someone smiling back in their profile picture, just being their best self, or Mario, the pleasantly plump plumber with an aversion to turtles? Why stick around someone introverted and dig around to find anything viable, if you can just move onto the extrovert on the next page, who looks like they want to talk to you?

Recommendations: Go to your settings and re-check what you’ve made public knowledge. Better yet, have a good friend take a picture that you would be happy with. Put it up for the time being across your social media, until you get employed. Then you can once again retreat to your comfort zone of relative anonymity. There’s another piece of advice here in store for you: Fake confidence—this little tid bit brings you a long way, fake it enough and you’ll soon realize the world of communication that you’ve been missing out on. Good news is, you are still doing better impression-wise than the next person.

3. The Absentee

You might think it keeps you incognito, and you’re keeping yourself safe. Other companies think that you have something to hide. Considering there is a 90 percent chance that your friends are socially active and have had you in their pictures, you are already online. Now, it’s just a matter of you accepting the 21st century and coming in or being scared and avoiding it like the plague.

Why Unemployed: This situation is similar to cat person’s above.  But why not have a facebook page that is set to be entirely private, except for a picture? You take pride in the fact that you did not succumb to the temptations of the internet, but what about those who tell you they are not even on facebook? Do you rejoice in finding a kindred spirit or do you worry that they have alternate reasons for keeping offline?

Recommendation: At least create a LinkedIn account until you get employed. This way you stay professional, but there’s a name to a face and your achievements are exactly how you want them to look—not crowded by pictures of you with a pint. It’s like back in the day, when having your name and picture in the paper meant you’ve made it. If you’re not in any paper and completely off the board, it writes you off the competition. Come on, this way you will have something other than reddit to get your news off of.

Finally, all of us have archetypal tendencies, so just make sure yours does’t make you look bad.

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